what will my legacy be?

i'm not blogging about the news today, but there's a lot going on so i'm going to sprinkle this post with unrelated screen shots from cnn.com. go read it. =]

lately i've been thinking about what legacy i'll leave behind. this thought process has led me to think about my future goals, having children, growing old, and other whimsical loooong-term things like that. recent events and circumstances have led me to evaluate what i do from day to day. this post could alternatively be titled why did i join a sorority? the answer to one question is simple; the other, not so much.

i joined a sorority because i am a strong individual who wants to make a difference in my surroundings and i wanted to do it with like-minded women. i wanted to be apart of a long tradition of strong women. i wanted to surround myself with women who are leaders instead of followers, and do-ers instead of hope-ers. the choice has always been clear for me.

in choosing to join a sorority, i have intertwined my legacy with that of other people. not just the great people who came before me, but the ones with me now and the ones who will come later. that inherently means that my decisions affect them and their legacy as well. knowing this commits me to any task i take on. it makes me deliberate in my actions and decisions. it makes me care about what i'm doing.

now... this is nothing new. i have a strong sense of history and legacy anyway. i get my sensibility and nostalgia from my biological father, who always taught me that nothing is more important than family and sticking together and realizing that the "i" in family is very small. i attribute my common sense and independence to my mother, who had me doing everything she didn't feel like doing turning me into an "i-can-do-it" type woman. she taught me that i was never sick. she always talked to me like she cared about my opinion even on matters when i knew she really didn't. i credit my step dad with planting many seeds of success in me. he force me to listen to the [first] O.J. trial, leading me to believe i could be just like johnny cochran; he give me all the floor plans when we went to look at apartments and houses, thus fostering the love of drafting and the desire to become an architect. he forced me to do all my math by hand and all my papers on scratch paper before typing them, creating a sharp analytical mind and an eye for detail.

all of this is working in me everyday. sensibility. independence. logic. analysis. self editing. this has turned me into a procrastinating perfectionist. procrastinating, i say, because it takes me a while to really decide when i want to do something; but, when i get started, perfectionist for sure (almost obsessively). growing up the way i did with all of them has also made me very business like and matter-of-fact. but i am also compassionate and caring. i like things done correctly whether it's my way or otherwise.

i have no doubt that people who have to manage me enjoy these traits. teachers have always loved me. supervisors and managers have always given me responsibilities beyond my job. but i've noticed that some of the people i work with... um... appreciate these traits much less. having said that, i must clarify that it's really never been people i work with on a job. my coworkers have always been cool. it's classmates and, most recently in my life, sorors.

all through school i knew i was somebody and was gon' be somebody and that i didn't need any of them to help me do anything at that time. i kept my friend count low, just 1 or 2. i wasn't in anybody's business but my own and i was not interested in doing most of the things people my age liked to do. i've always known i have a great purpose. this, for some odd reason, rubs people the wrong way. which has always be fine with me. i made use of my true resources anyway: my family, actual friends, teachers who would eventually write recommendations. this made the people who hated me before, hate me even more.

with sorors, it isn't so much hating. i wouldn't call them haters. i am noticing that they don't understand me and what i'm here to do. they take my qualities to mean that i'm controling and want to take over and do things myself. they don't see the same bigger picture that i see. they don't realize that they have intertwined their legacy with mine and when they mess up, it messes me up and i can't have that.

so what does this mean for my legacy? will i be remembered in this chapter as the one who did everything? the bitch? that abrasive girl who likes to make schedules? when i [finally] leave college what mark will i have made? in terms of this chapter, i don't care if no one remembers my name in 10 years. success to me would mean that the chapter still exists and is thriving in 10 years because my "i" is soooo small compared to this family.

i feel the same way in life. right now i feel like if something i had a hand in still exists and lives on 10 years from now then my legacy is in tact. i feel like my difference will be made in the details; that's what i'm good at anyway. if i can make even one person want to make some kind of change then i'm good because they'll go off and do the same for someone else. if i can show my brothers what they can be then i'm satisfied. if my children [in the future] grow up to be free-thinking men and women as opposed to simply males and females then i feel i've done my job.

i live off the legacy of those who came before me. my parents and grandparents. the founders. knowing that one day someone will be saying the same about me helps me sleep. some may not realize it yet, but i think one day they will and that's what my legacy will be.