Nicole be Thinking...

So... Last April I blogged about how every April is bad in my life. Today, I went back and read my blogs from every April since I started and I am no longer sure that April is out to get me. In 05 and 06, I think I was having a bad time in life in general. Hell... In 06 and 07, I think the same can be said. And now. It's true again. I seem to go through cycles of bad times in life and they appear to be the worse in April. Why is that? Why do my fortunes fuck up in April? Or... Why is that when I start to notice how fucked up they are? I don't know. I need to do something differently. A lot of stuff is currently out of my hands. I'm out of control in a lot of ways. It seems like whenever I get in control I mess it up which means I'm not setting myself up correctly. There's a switch inside of me that is too easily turned wrong. I repeatedly make the same mistakes. Money, men, education. Every year (from what I'm reading) I mess up. And right now I'm just so ir...

... I slept on the floor. From Dec 2005 to Aug 2006, I was in San Francisco and couldn't afford to buy a bed. Whenever I had the money, there was always something else I needed more or someone else I had to pay. I made the decision to move back to Nashville in Feb and it became pointless to buy a bed. I knew I was leaving... I had my light at the end of the tunnel... So I endured. During this time I ignored the pain in my back. I washed sheets more than I ever had and have since. I developed my insomnia. I lived without cable. I lived without eating. I went weeks without talking outside of my job. I endured because I knew I was headed for something better. This thought keeps crossing my mind because I'm dealing with a lot of things I don't want to discuss. But I know that I'm headed for something better. Every bit of my current situation will be just a memory one day. I'll be blogging about it on the other side. I have to keep telling myself this so that I can make ...