Nicole be Thinking...

ok... so... i wasted the last hour of my life watching videos and "i love new york 2." i am still boycotting bet. it is still obivous that they don't represent me. period. i've also realized that mtv needs to be added to that list. tila tequila gets a bisexual dating show? for real? i can't give up vh1, though. the salt n pepa show is mildly entertaining and they still have rock docs and yall know i'm a nerd. (by the way... who the fuck told pepa to get a new nose?) anyway... i'm worried about the future. not my personal future... it looks mighty bright. and really not even my kids' future. when they arrive they will be taught correctly. i am worried about my little brothers and kids their age watching bet and that bullshit. have you sat and watched videos lately? do you see what i see? what the fuck is nelly thinking? what's your name/what's your sign/where's your man??? and the nigga can't spell it right? AND hurricane chris? is that ...

so... i've been listening to GRADUATION for a while now... and i like it... and i'm uber glad that it's finally out! anyway... here's my take on the album... [everybody's got one...] good morning i like it... not much extra to say about it... except... he didn't have to say "mornian" to get it to rhyme with "valedictorian" but he still gets props for not having a skit as an intro like the other 2 albums... champion i love this song! as soon as the sample says "did you realize that you were a champion?" and 'ye answers "yes i did!" i was like... yes. me too.... lol. stronger i didn't love it immediately when i first heard it... this one grew on me... i like it now. i'm not feeling the "black kate moss" thing... he coulda picked a model who ISN'T coked out, you feel me? but the first verse is so hard to me... it does get me going. i wonder the first 4 lines are awesome. especially: "you say i t...

so... i'm sitting here thinking and you know how you start off thinking about one thing and by the time you're done you're at a completely different thought? yeah... thats what happened. it was quite interesting. i don't remember where i started but i ended up thinking about the people i DIDN'T have sex with and how great that was. think of your sex life as window and the number of people you've slept with are fingerprints on your window. windows always start clean and then life happens and they get a little dirty. they're not that easy to clean, either. people who try usually end up with streaks, permanent reminders of what they tried to hide. my window obviously isn't without fingerprints. however, i was thinking and the number of fingerprints i DON'T have out numbers the ones i do. does that make sense? i've been in lots of "almost" situations that fell through. and at the time i was a little disappointed. but now in hindsight, knowi...

i have learned that my definition of LOVE changes every time i fall in it... i had this really mushy, really deep blog in me about my family... but i'll save it for a while... i've said it over and over again that it's amazing how much stuff changes in a few days... now... i have to be a little vague here to protect my... pride, i guess? but... in the past few days things have changed... actually it's been longer than some days... but sitting here thinking about it made me reflect on my past relationships and in turn make me realize that every time i've been in "love" i've had to concede that what i thought was love previously really wasn't! i'm gonna use one example here. when i was with greg i thought i was in love. at that time... i told myself that i had never been in love before, although i had been in a relationship that i thought at the time WAS love. i had to sit an re evaluate that. because nobody made me feel like greg did -- good and...

this isn't directed at anybody... i just really like this song... thanks jack johnson! p.s.... the next blog will be my words... i promise... =] Now I was sitting waiting wishing That you believed in superstitions Then maybe you'd see the signs But Lord knows that this world is cruel And I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool Learning loving somebody don't make them love you Must I always be waiting waiting on you? Must I always be playing playing your fool? I sing ya songs I dance a dance I gave ya friends all a chance Putting up with them wasn't worth never having you And maybe you been through this before But its my first time So please ignore The next few lines cause they're directed at you I cant always be waiting waiting on you I cant always be playing playing your fool I keep playing your part But its not my scene Wont this plot not twist? I've had enough mystery. Keep building me up, then shooting me down Well im already down Just wait a minute Jus...

you think i'm playing... but he is... i just got finished watching the democratic debate [and subsequent chit chat about it...] on cnn which anderson moderated... i've loved anderson for a long time... buuuut... now? it's OFFICIAL... lol. first, my take on the candidates: john edwards... i'm not a huge fan... the gay marriage thing.... eh... and he had a hard time answering the questions at hand. and he was very defensive. real shady biz if you ask me... obviously... not getting my vote. hilary clinton... i'll pass. not because of anything she said wrong... in fact, she said a lot of good, correct things... i'm just not feeling her... it may be slightly wrong to say, but i'm not ready for a female president... i'm just not. i think it stems from my small dislike of lesbians... or maybe just loud, obnoxious, fat lesbians like rosie o'donnell... joe biden... is he a rapper? [lol... i'm kidding... but really... where is joe budden?] i think dude is ...

i'm teetering this line between destroying my facebook and myspace pages and, of course, keeping them. both sites have come a looooong way since i started using them... they were harmless and facebook was pretty underground at the time. the politics and drama that comes with them now was not there. no one cared who was in your top 8 (mostly because it was random, but hey...) there was no such thing as an honesty box on facebook. no people without networks. no high school kids to offer a whole new sleaze to the site... SPEAKING of this "honesty box".... what kind of bullshit is that? i added it in fun... not considering any petty crap that might come with it and from the start the crap was there. the things people say when they think no one will find out... i admit, there are things i can't say to people's faces. these three: "i'm only your friend because i can't think of a reason not to be" and "i like you way more than i should" or eve...

i few months ago, i posted this blog... i realize very few people read my blogs now as opposed to the entire staff at ECC like it used to be [shout out to my lovely exes at the ECC! love and miss yall HELLA much!] anyway... this was "all i need." i love how it still applies.... well... i think it's kinda neat that i still want what i want, but i guess in some ways it kinda sucks that i still WANT and don't have what i want... anyway... here it is. again. take notes, my lovelies! all i need is somebody nice. somebody who's not trying to fuck me... and i mean more than just sexually. someone's who's not trying to make a fool out of me, or trying to make me jump through hoops. i need somebody who's not constantly testing me for no reason. someone who isn't trying to control me. someone who doesn't think he's smarter than me. someone who doesn't want to use me. someone who isn't out to take away my pride. someone who likes who i already...

how often do you find a song that is saying EXACTLY what you want to say? yeah i know... often... lol. anyway... this one is for this moment... go bilal, go! [p.s. where is he?] As we stare from across the room Starting to ponder what we've been goin through What does my kiss mean to you? Are we just friends, or is this more to you But if we label this, just picture what we might lose That unexpected kiss, the whole feelin that brought me to you Meanwhile my feelings grow But if we label this just picture what we might lose That unexpected kiss that whole feelin that brought me to you Why rush, why choose, why risk this thing, and ruin me and you I want the lover and keep the friend, I wanna be near you and not pretend But if we label this just picture what we might lose That unexpected kiss the whole feelin that brought me to you The whole thing has got me searchin....

Raw rough and rugged, when addressin the mass public My attitude is fuck it cause motherfuckers love it Got a, chip on my shoulder the size of the Golden Nugget in Vegas And fuck bein famous, I came to get the butters I came from the gutter, my success in this game is sort of like "Pro-jectic Justice," a payment for brushes with police officers, a peace offering From the Gods for the streets I was tossed in 'Til I'm deceased in a coffin I'ma be a beast on these beats, releasin early and often Please, your disdain for the brothers ain't gon' change the numbers It's the strengthenin of chain among us Please, we ain't afraid of none of yas, who want it with us? Ain't nuttin changed since the ninety-six summers, c'mon I guess it's just the penalty of leadership I guess I'm what niggaz wanna be and shit Or niggaz just bored, wanna be in shit 'Fore they get to rappin, start believin it Think they Ali and shit I roll with the punches s...

every once in a while i send tia a text message telling her "in my old age i have learned...." there are things she should know... because at the tender age of 16 there is a lot she doesn't know. a lot she won't know until she experiences it. it's scary to watch people go through things you've been through especially when they're preventable situations. granted, a lot of these text messages are funny. but they're still important. the other day i told her "cold CAC is just apple juice." (CAC is caramel apple cider for all you anti-Starbucks folks) i've been telling sasha that for days because she's been saying that she wants to try some cold CAC (she's slow...lol). after a while i realized how that applies to life in general and i imparted my wonderful wisdom to my wonderful tia. too often we think things are greater than what they are... greater in every sense you can apply: larger, better, more, etc... you've got your life, y...

i like him, but i don't think that's enough. i have a weird feeling. my feelings are the same as they've been but his seem to have changed ever so slightly in the wrong direction. just... reviewing everything he's said to me... everything i think i know about him... and the way things are right now... he just seems slightly less interested. the problem with this is that my vibes could be wrong... i mean... how good can they be over text messages, right? but experiences have taught me how to READ read text messages. experiences taught me how to READ read people... i could totally be wrong. and i hope i am. but for the time being i just don't have a good feeling. i don't know what to do. i'm not sure how i end up in scenarios like THIS one. there's always the one i want but can't have. for whatever reason. distance, lack of interest, another woman, or all of the above. i just wish i knew for sure. i wish i had the foresight to see what i see when i loo...

BEYONCE... she's cool... HOWEVER. she called "john belushi" "don beluchi." no no... she did. what the FUCK? "welcome to hollywood" on her re-released b'day album is a fuckin rip off. go listen. SHE SAID DON BELUCHI!

i'm sitting here watching the real world reunited... the episode where they're dealing with the aftermath of frank breaking dishes and sit.... they SERIOUSLY don't understand why irulan and arissa aren't cool with that? what the fuck? when will they grow up? and when will trishelle realize that shes not a fucking actress? damn... what else is on tv?

about a week ago, i had a dream that don imus burned my house down. in the dream i was married to aj and we had a really nice big house in a really nice neighborhood. i went to this picnic with tricey and she was telling everybody i was pregnant even though i really wasn't and we were mad at each other. also at this picnic, i was all over this other dude. i got the impression that he was younger than me and we had some kind of history and everybody there knew that and knew i was married. also, this yound guy was the only person in the dream that i couldn't place in real life. anyway, don imus had burned down a house in my neighborhood already and he was out on bail. while i was at the picnic i saw him walking down the street with some gasoline so i left and rushed back to my house. but when i got there i couldn't remember the code for my alarm system. so now my alarm is going off. and then aj came and he couldn't remember it either. so while we were trying to figure it ...

so... i just realized that i haven't had a day off where i didn't have anything else to do since i started this job. in the beginning i had you know... THAT to do everyday. and then it got to the point where the only day i had off was tuesday and i was at school from 9 to 9 on tuesdays... TODAY i don't have to work. and i DON'T have anything else to do. well... there are things i could be doing but... you know... it's exciting. just exciting... =] tomorrow AJ will be here. 800+ songs on my ipod and i've been listening to the same 34 since i found out he was coming. i look at his facebook profile a million times a day. he has too many pictures up and i've seen all of them. i find someone who is everything i want, has none of the drama i have vowed to stay away from, is going places in life, and where is he? 2000 miles away from me. it's not frustrating though... it's nice. i'm excited. have you seen rihanna's hair? i want mine like that... whe...

... make me sick. I had to park on the streets this morning and I had to SEARCH for a parking spot. This was like one of the few times I would've actually been on time for calc... and all my early-ness was taken away because I couldn't park in my usual spot. All the people sitting out there at 9 am waiting to get in look a little foolish to me. Not because it's country music and I am not a fan but because it's NINE in the morning and the crap don't start till 7. or something like that. I don't know when it starts. I just know it needs to end. Because if ONE more CMA security guard tells me I can't go somewhere on this campus I think I just might.... throw a rock at him or something! [lol]

I'm sitting in my racist class listening to the girl with the gay boyfriend make what she thinks are intelligent comments about an essay... GAH! I'm tired of school. things will be better on may 9th. just let me get to may 9th! oh shit.... now I have to sit through a movie adaptation of one of these stories and listen to a bunch of white people say "nigger" 10 million times. somebody shoot me...

I feel out of place in many of my classes at belmont... mostly because there is relatively no diversity. no color. no nothing. all my classes are kinda icky compared to the ones at sf state but my intermediate comp class has to be the worst. I'm the only black person in there and I think that the whiteys in there forget I'm there. some shit they say should definitely be kept to themselves.... today we read "a narrow fellow in the grass" by emily dickenson which is about the fear of the ambiguity of nature. basically its about a snake in the grass. to make us think about the poem, the prof. says.... "why isn't this poem set to rap music?" and I'm like..... wtf does that have to do with anything. some dude goes, with what he thinks is a "ghetto" accent "when you're strapped with your .9 a snake ain't so scary" and all these mofos laugh. and I'm just like...... whaaaaa? THEN the prof. says "yeah. its not ghetto or wh...

conversate is not a word. it's just not... don't know where that came from. today a girl who's probably in high school was relating a story about how "cory gets mad when [she] coversate with other guys." this could be because she is young... but i doubt it because grown ass people say it, too. the correct word is converse... not CONverse like the shoe, but kunVERSE. now... that doesn't sound as ghetto as conversate - perhaps there's the reason the word exists- but it's correct. it rained today! no. you don't understand... the other day me and chuck were getting in the car and i had a bunch of stuff so i put my arizona raspberry tea on the roof of my jeep so i could put my junk in the car... so i put my stuff in and drive off and all of a sudden we hear banging on the roof and chuck lives in the apartments on 12th, right by the ghetto, so her face was like "whaaaa?" [lol]. i forgot my tea and it rolled and dripped down my back window and m...

I'm not mad... I'm just being real... I'm finding that I am a little misunderstood.... I usually don't feel that I need to explain myself because in a very general sense I don't care what people perceive. however... I am extremely tired today [as in sleepy] and I think I'm gonna be misunderstood a lot today. granted, the people who misunderstand me aren't going to read this... but I'm bored and not in a position to sleep, so here goes... I'm not REALLY a racist. I joke about it a lot. I call myself a racist. I make comments that can be called racist. but in all actuality, I am just HONEST about my biases and prejudices. most people are not. I am afraid of white people on st. patricks day. you won't find me as a passenger in any asian's car. rich white people ARE very oblivious to "regular" people. these are things I know to be true for me. your experience might be different. that's fine. I am very open minded. I'll talk abou...

hmmm.... i'm watching a rerun of "top chef" [i looooooove that show...] and the chefs had to make a meal at 500 calories for the fat camp kids... i'm not sure how i feel about fat camps for children... or period for that matter.... when kids are fat and it's not genetic or because of a disease isn't it the parents's fault? shouldn't they have been feeding them a little better, or a little less? why would they want to ship their kids off to camp to learn how to eat better when in reality it's not the kids's eating patterns that need to change? the parents should be learning how to eat better, no? THEN they can teach their kids, who will most likely listen since they can't hold a gun to their parent's head and say, "hey bitch make me a rack of lamb." feeding kids isn't that hard... when i was younger, my mama fed me as much as i would eat but she also wouldn't feed me EVERY time i opened my fat mouth for food. as a resul...

i don't like beyonce's "upgrade u" video. i like the song. and under normal circumstances i like beyonce. HOWEVER... the video is an unnecessary commercial for her. i don't know how i pictured this video when i heard the song... but the actual video is the opposite of the... and the jay z parts... sooooo.... he could only be there to shoot half his rap? what's up with that? and the random crap in her mouth? huh? and what does her rolling around in water have to do with upgrading anybody? hmmm... in my opinion, the video DOWNGRADED the song... =[

tornado warnings are scarry. all day long they put stories about damage and death and how close its getting to me on the news... how frightening... they do it on purpose... a public that is afraid WILL sit captive and watch your tv programming all day just for those updates... YEAH I SAID IT. the local media purposely scares the public so we sit at home and do NOTHING with our days! lol... don't look at me like that. you know it makes sense. there's power in knowledge and walking away from the television. but no.... jokes aside, i am a little scared. last time i was here and there was a tornado watch/warning [i don't remember the difference but one is worse than the other...] i convinced my mother we NEEDED to go get some burgers from fat mo's [lol]. come to find out there was tornado damage literally 5-7 blocks from where we were... so yeah... i'm sitting my ass in the house today... at least until 3 when i have to go to work. =] what to do, what to do... this day ...

I haven't thought about you since I cut you off... and here you go... trying to come back into my life. . I guess forgetting you is impossible since you took up so much time, but please believe I meant it when I told you I was done playing your game. we have a history that's not always pleasant. what you've done to me emotionally, you will never know. we can't be friends. not because I'm still in love with you [I definitely am not] but because I don't ever want to feel like I feel when I deal with you. you don't know me, but you think you do so you treat me like so. I respond accordingly doing things I don't do. being some girl I am not. you never blatantly disrespect me, but actions speak louder than words. I know from the way you talk to me. the way my thoughts don't matter. the way you demean everything I do. I can't have that. I'm better than that. you had to go so that I could stay. so that I could be who I am. I would do everything all ...

so.... i wouldn't be me if i didn't REALLY like some boy... i swear... i've been boy crazy all my life... always analyzing my feelings for SOMEbody... right now is no different... some circumstances are making me search for negative things about him. he doesn't live here. last time i was in a long distance relationship, it ended terribly. i'm not sure if in that particular relationship it was completely the distance that killed us, though... in this situation it think it COULD be done but i told myself i WOULDN'T do it... so who am i to break my own rules? i'm not sure where his heart lies... i know that he likes me. i'm positive that this could get physical very fast. buuuuut.... what about the rest of it? don't get me wrong... we're friends. we do actually talk. i'm just not sure what he wants... with me being uncertain about the distance thing, i'm not even sure what I want. i don't want anymore flings. i'm not sure a real rela...

forgive me... but uh... i forgot it was black history month... does that mean i'm not black anymore? the truth of the matter is... black history month has never meant much to me. being reminded that african people were brought here as slaves never meant anything to me. coloring pictures of mlk and rosa parks? nope. nothing. the recognition of the achievements of black people in this country being reduced to 28 days out of the whole year is a slap in the face to those of us who are striving and achieving everyday. and then to think most educational outlets do a half-assed job at teaching about black history anyway. i appreciate the things that my ancestors and predecessors have done to make things easier for me. i applaud those who had the strength and the foresight to fight for freedoms i take for granted. but my respect for them is not limited to february, the SHORTEST month of the year. while i may participate in many events that are held in observance of black history month, ple...

have you ever seen food that made you wanna throw up just from looking at it? uuuuh.... yeah... my mama made some tuna casserole... it's her i-don't-feel-like-cooking-but-i-guess-my-kids-have-to-eat meal... it's good sometimes... in fact, this casserole was good... but it has since been all stirred up and stored in this storage bowl and it looks terrible... i think i'mma just go with cup o'noodles... ANYway... i am waiting for a snow storm so that i don't have to go to school. yes... i realize that seems a bit juvenile, but i have wanted to play hookie AAAAALL week... it snowed a little last night i guess, but NOT ENOUGH! damnit! i realize it's thursday and the week is almost over but i'm still waiting for the snow... it's not too late... maybe, just maybe i'll be lucky enough to get out of school tomorrow and get out of taking that calculus test i fail to study for every week... although i'm waiting for the snow for my own lazy reasons... i ...

I recently read this article in one of my english textbooks [cuz I'm a dork like that] and it made me think. A LOT. when I read the title I rolled my eyes because, like a lot of women, I think, "I AM an independent woman. that ain't no lie." but then I started reading, and it turns out I'm not as independent as I think. or am i? in the article she says, "...my independence is in part an elaborately constructed facade that hides a more traditional feminine desire to be protected and provided for." I DO want to be protected and provided for. I would love to have a man who does everything for me without me asking. a man who pays for everything, takes me everywhere, loves me. but at the same time it seems that we are taught to do everything ourselves. we're supposed to pay for some dates. we're supposed to make our own money. we're supposed to be in control. we're NOT supposed to rely on a man. so I'm wondering... is it WRONG for me to wa...

he's like an old scab that I keep picking so much so that it never heals. it just bleeds and hurts. I leave it alone and the scab starts to grow and then I see it and I pick it again. I need to develop the indifference to let the scab grow and heal. it would be much easier if someone just shot him.

where do i begin...? this isn't gonna make a whole lot of sense... i don't really have a purpose... just kinda felt like typing... so... i'm back in school. it's going ok. "ok" as opposed to "well" because i've only been in school for 3 days... calculus, 3 english classes, and a physical education something something... i'm still very excited about being in school though... you just don't know how sick of NOT being in school i was... i even WANTED homework [i no longer WANT it... i don't mind doing it... but like i said.. it's only been 3 days.] this semester i'm hoping quite a lot of things go differently than they've gone in the past... i need to make an "academic" set of friends [as opposed to a "party" set of friends like i've had before...] i think i need to get more involved in campus than i have before... mainly because sf state didn't emphasize campus unity and my friends didn't do N...

but you already know that. I mean... I already know that. but it was one of those things in 2006 I kept doing/wanting to do. I must stop in 2007. put in harsh terms, he's fucking me physically and mentally. but he won't in 2007. in 2007, I will pay my debts. starting from the top down. b of a to sfsu and all the acronyms in between. I think my credit is all messed up. I KNOW it is. I need to fix it while I'm young. 2007 is the year for that. I will get good grades spring 2007. I promise. while I was being a bum this semester, I realized that even though I have NO idea what I really want to do with my life, I will have to go to grad school. that means I have to get excellent grades. merely passing is no longer sufficient. darn. I don't have a real new years resolution, but these are some things I would like to make happen this year. I'm not going to start making outrageous claims and goals like.... "I'm gonna work out this year" or "I'm gonna f...