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love is...

i have learned that my definition of LOVE changes every time i fall in it... i had this really mushy, really deep blog in me about my family... but i'll save it for a while... i've said it over and over again that it's amazing how much stuff changes in a few days... now... i have to be a little vague here to protect my... pride, i guess? but... in the past few days things have changed... actually it's been longer than some days... but sitting here thinking about it made me reflect on my past relationships and in turn make me realize that every time i've been in "love" i've had to concede that what i thought was love previously really wasn't!

i'm gonna use one example here. when i was with greg i thought i was in love. at that time... i told myself that i had never been in love before, although i had been in a relationship that i thought at the time WAS love. i had to sit an re evaluate that. because nobody made me feel like greg did -- good and bad. i mean... through the bad stuff i told myself that since we're in love then it's ok... twisted, i know...

at the end of that debacle i re evaluated love again. surely that wasn't it... "no one will ever treat me like he did. i won't stand for it. if it was love it wouldn't have happened the way it did..." etc etc.... currently i'm not in love, but i wouldn't mind being in a relationship. really just anything more than infatuated!

i don't have a clear picture of what love is. simply what it is NOT. i do find myself feeling *special* feelings about certain people and each time... the feelings go nowhere... it's like.. by thinking it can go somewhere, i'm jinxing myself. every time i find someone i think i can be with, there are too many obstacles... and it's not that i'm not willing to fight these obstacles to get what i want... no... they're obstacles that are out of my control... like DISTANCE for one... and hell... human nature for another. on the flip side... i find myself surrounded by dudes who would love to get down but i'm just not willing to A.) talk to them, or B.) give up on the one i can't really have (because of the obstacles, yall!)

i am not a spectator when it comes to love...obviously. anyone who knows me (and i guess that's really only my mama and tia) knows that i fall in it freely and deeply and usually i fall squarely on my ass... unfortunately i have not figured out how to avoid this. so... my definition is different... but could it be that it's still wrong? am i thinking too much about nothing? should i stop being so open to being with someone? GAH! i wish i knew!
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