i had a really good weekend and it has led me to consider what terms like "soulmate" and "the one" really entail. this isn't a subject that i haven't already visited. in fact, i thought i had found mine. i was thinking about a convo i had with the hubby sasha about how you know that a man is the one. i said that i didn't know exactly but i thought my bf was the one because he knew me and accepted me. at the time he was the only male person i'd been involved with who i thought did that. in light of the way my current relationship is going and how that one ended, i have to question that definition.
i wrote a blog a while ago about the definition of love and how it has changed for me every time i thought i was in it. i feel like that's what this whole "soulmate" concept is doing. obviously that boyfriend was not the one. and after appraising the relationship i'm not sure how i could have thought that. we've known each other since high school and he does know me, but looking back i'm not sure if he accepted me or if he thought i would change and fall into this particular role in his life. does that make sense? like... he knows who i am but he thought that i would change and become this football wife/ mother of a million kids... PLUS i don't know if he liked me for who i am or if i was a conquest for him. the girl he couldn't get in high school and finally did. sigh...
i guess that doesn't necessarily mean that my definition of "the one" wasn't true. it just means he didn't fit that criteria the way i thought he did. this current dude does. in a scary way. i've told him things that i've never told anybody else without realizing that i've told him. oddly enough he's done the same. for the first time ever in a relationship i'm not calculating or plotting or thinking too much. i haven't named our kids like i've been known to do with dudes i have mere crushes on. and on top of that, although i've known him for a super long time, i don't feel an odd "omg-we-crossed-that-line-and-messed-up-our-friendship" awkwardness. i feel comfortable with him like i feel with my best friends. and i don't feel like he expects me to change into a different person (i.e. modify my goals or be overly domestic) if the relatinship progresses.
however, despite all this wonderfulness, i'm not all hyped about calling him my soulmate. i don't even really want to call him my boyfriend. i feel like we use certain terms and phrases like "love" "the one" and "soulmate" so much that they don't mean what they should anymore. furthermore, we've loaded the terms "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" with a lot of unnecessary drama, emotion, and responsibility.
a lot of women "love" a man once they have sex with him. a man becomes a woman's "soulmate" when he's made her feel like no one had previously. and once we call someone "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" we feel like they owe us something. while i'm pretty good at separating business from pleasure, i'm definitely guilty of the last two. the definition of love doesn't change depending on your age or the person you're with at the time. your understanding changes. i may not have known fully what it was, but i feel like i did love the guys i said i did. i'm also guilty of expecting a dude's perspective or feelings to change when he gets the title "boyfriend." i still feel like dude has a responsibility to be honest with me about his intentions and expectations, but i no longer feel like anyone owes me anything. i no longer feel like a dude should stay with me as a courtesy because "we been through some thangs." i don't feel like either one of us has to scheme a lot and go out of our way to put on our "best" faces.
as far as this "soulmate" thing goes... what the hell is that anyway? does that mean that we're meant to be with one specific person? is that everybody? what about the people who never get married just because they don't want to? does that mean that their soulmate had to find another soulmate because their last soulmate ditched them? what happens if you meet your soulmate and you don't like him? does that mean that God or whoever he appointed to assign soulmates decided that you should be miserable for the rest of your life? and what about those hopeless romantic people who spend their entire lives looking for somebody? why are we just given our soulmates?
ugh! it's all so much to think about, which leads me to believe that it really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. what's meant to be will be. my current situation is showing me that good things don't necessarily come to those who wait, but rather those who aren't searching. me and my hubby have had some terrible luck with dudes. and even when it looked like one of us had it better than the other we later found that it was horrible. and we're miserable. because we're looking for some kind of perfection. some kind man to measure up to this standard. our soulmates. i've decided that i'm not looking anymore. i'm extremely happy and satisfied right now but even if it doesn't work i'm not looking anymore. and i'm not going to be sad thinking that i may be alone all my life. i AM my soulmate. me, myself, and i get along just fine. =]
i wrote a blog a while ago about the definition of love and how it has changed for me every time i thought i was in it. i feel like that's what this whole "soulmate" concept is doing. obviously that boyfriend was not the one. and after appraising the relationship i'm not sure how i could have thought that. we've known each other since high school and he does know me, but looking back i'm not sure if he accepted me or if he thought i would change and fall into this particular role in his life. does that make sense? like... he knows who i am but he thought that i would change and become this football wife/ mother of a million kids... PLUS i don't know if he liked me for who i am or if i was a conquest for him. the girl he couldn't get in high school and finally did. sigh...
i guess that doesn't necessarily mean that my definition of "the one" wasn't true. it just means he didn't fit that criteria the way i thought he did. this current dude does. in a scary way. i've told him things that i've never told anybody else without realizing that i've told him. oddly enough he's done the same. for the first time ever in a relationship i'm not calculating or plotting or thinking too much. i haven't named our kids like i've been known to do with dudes i have mere crushes on. and on top of that, although i've known him for a super long time, i don't feel an odd "omg-we-crossed-that-line-and-messed-up-our-friendship" awkwardness. i feel comfortable with him like i feel with my best friends. and i don't feel like he expects me to change into a different person (i.e. modify my goals or be overly domestic) if the relatinship progresses.
however, despite all this wonderfulness, i'm not all hyped about calling him my soulmate. i don't even really want to call him my boyfriend. i feel like we use certain terms and phrases like "love" "the one" and "soulmate" so much that they don't mean what they should anymore. furthermore, we've loaded the terms "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" with a lot of unnecessary drama, emotion, and responsibility.
a lot of women "love" a man once they have sex with him. a man becomes a woman's "soulmate" when he's made her feel like no one had previously. and once we call someone "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" we feel like they owe us something. while i'm pretty good at separating business from pleasure, i'm definitely guilty of the last two. the definition of love doesn't change depending on your age or the person you're with at the time. your understanding changes. i may not have known fully what it was, but i feel like i did love the guys i said i did. i'm also guilty of expecting a dude's perspective or feelings to change when he gets the title "boyfriend." i still feel like dude has a responsibility to be honest with me about his intentions and expectations, but i no longer feel like anyone owes me anything. i no longer feel like a dude should stay with me as a courtesy because "we been through some thangs." i don't feel like either one of us has to scheme a lot and go out of our way to put on our "best" faces.
as far as this "soulmate" thing goes... what the hell is that anyway? does that mean that we're meant to be with one specific person? is that everybody? what about the people who never get married just because they don't want to? does that mean that their soulmate had to find another soulmate because their last soulmate ditched them? what happens if you meet your soulmate and you don't like him? does that mean that God or whoever he appointed to assign soulmates decided that you should be miserable for the rest of your life? and what about those hopeless romantic people who spend their entire lives looking for somebody? why are we just given our soulmates?
ugh! it's all so much to think about, which leads me to believe that it really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. what's meant to be will be. my current situation is showing me that good things don't necessarily come to those who wait, but rather those who aren't searching. me and my hubby have had some terrible luck with dudes. and even when it looked like one of us had it better than the other we later found that it was horrible. and we're miserable. because we're looking for some kind of perfection. some kind man to measure up to this standard. our soulmates. i've decided that i'm not looking anymore. i'm extremely happy and satisfied right now but even if it doesn't work i'm not looking anymore. and i'm not going to be sad thinking that i may be alone all my life. i AM my soulmate. me, myself, and i get along just fine. =]
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