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It's Not You; It's Me

I arrived too early. I sat nervously stirring the ice in my water thinking maybe I could create a wave and let it swallow me.

"We need to talk," were the words. The days had been lonely and long enough to create an impressively large gap between us. "I love you," had been the bridge, but neither of us dared to cross it anymore. This meeting wasn't a surprise.

Our eyes met and immediately rejected each other. I returned focus to my water as if to erase the sighting.

Only I noticed the offensive noise the chair opposite mine made when its legs weren't allowed to pick their feet up from the floor to move.

"Oh, hey," The overly polite waitress came back before my displeasure was able to linger.

"Jack and Coke, please." She'll have it right out.

There was a smile, awkward, unmoving.

"Let's cut the bullshit." Words spewed onto the table.

"I think we need to see other people. Or… at least not each other.

We don't make each other happy.

We're always apart anyway. It would just be easier if we didn't have to worry what the other is doing.

I want to receive random indecent text messages in the middle of my morning workout.

I want to go at a moment's notice to where ever 'there' is.

I need someone who understands my job, supports me, and wants to be a part of my world.

I don't want to feel obligated to have sex with you.

Sometimes I want to lie naked in the dark trying  to clear my mind and count the revolutions of the ceiling fan -- without you touching me.

I want the kind of peace that comes when you're not on my mind, when I don't feel accountable to you.

I don't want to feel so broken when I'm supposed to be one with you."

A hand on a hand. A tear on a cheek. The room was spinning. My ice had stopped.

It's hard to see through dingy rose-colored glasses. I couldn't quite put my finger on the feeling that came with taking them off. Pain? Relief? Sadness?

Suddenly suffocating, I stood up and took a breath from air that seemed untainted by the muck of words on the table.

I looked down at the unrecognizable face that remained at the table. I hoped my eyes apologized for my rudeness as I turned around and left.
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