a while ago i posted that i was done with friendship. that wasn't entirely true. the emotion behind it definitely was, though. i distanced myself from 2 people i had been friends with since high school. as much as it hurt, i think it was necessary. at least for me it was. there was a period of time when i thought i had all the friends i needed and i used that thought process to keep other people and experiences away. i thought i was helping my friends get to where they wanted to be in life but in reality i was using that to ignore the fact that i wasn't doing anything to help myself get to where i want to be.
there is a stop in me that keeps me from finishing what i start. maybe not in every case. but there are times when i stop just short of what could propel me to greatness. school is bullshit for me, but instead of pursuing other avenues that could help me arrive at the same destination i struggle financially to get this piece of paper that will validate me to other people. i also used these friendships to take my focus off of my goals. i was complacent for a long time. standing still, using them as crutches. in many ways it was self destructive. as part of a journey in self discovery i realized that and some other things and took steps to stop it.
to clarify, i didn't distance myself from these people because of a man or because i joined a sorority or over money or because they made different life decisions than i would make. in one case i felt resented instead of appreciated. that friend didn't know me at all despite all the time we spent together. what i thought was a deep and lifelong friendship was very shallow. in the other we simply grew apart. there were things i disagreed with, personal things i couldn't reconcile. at the end of the day i realized that our differences didn't make us friends. i don't think they ever did. they made us 2 different people with a diminishing common ground.
my mother always told me to be aware of who i surrounded myself with. she always told me i was the kind of person who needed someone else to help, and would do so by ignoring myself and what i need. she told me that i was getting something out of these friendships that i was unaware of and that i would grow apart from them soon enough. she was right and there were always signs.
i still wish the best for the friends i had to lose. but i think now all of us can grow and find what we need to find, and do what we need to do. i'm not done with friendship. that was an emotional statement. but in evaluating my friendships i realize that the friends i still have are there for me no matter what. they enlighten me daily. they grow with me and learn with me. and i don't have to ignore myself to help them. we help each other. that is friendship.
there is a stop in me that keeps me from finishing what i start. maybe not in every case. but there are times when i stop just short of what could propel me to greatness. school is bullshit for me, but instead of pursuing other avenues that could help me arrive at the same destination i struggle financially to get this piece of paper that will validate me to other people. i also used these friendships to take my focus off of my goals. i was complacent for a long time. standing still, using them as crutches. in many ways it was self destructive. as part of a journey in self discovery i realized that and some other things and took steps to stop it.
to clarify, i didn't distance myself from these people because of a man or because i joined a sorority or over money or because they made different life decisions than i would make. in one case i felt resented instead of appreciated. that friend didn't know me at all despite all the time we spent together. what i thought was a deep and lifelong friendship was very shallow. in the other we simply grew apart. there were things i disagreed with, personal things i couldn't reconcile. at the end of the day i realized that our differences didn't make us friends. i don't think they ever did. they made us 2 different people with a diminishing common ground.
my mother always told me to be aware of who i surrounded myself with. she always told me i was the kind of person who needed someone else to help, and would do so by ignoring myself and what i need. she told me that i was getting something out of these friendships that i was unaware of and that i would grow apart from them soon enough. she was right and there were always signs.
i still wish the best for the friends i had to lose. but i think now all of us can grow and find what we need to find, and do what we need to do. i'm not done with friendship. that was an emotional statement. but in evaluating my friendships i realize that the friends i still have are there for me no matter what. they enlighten me daily. they grow with me and learn with me. and i don't have to ignore myself to help them. we help each other. that is friendship.
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