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April Revisited

So... Last April I blogged about how every April is bad in my life. Today, I went back and read my blogs from every April since I started and I am no longer sure that April is out to get me. In 05 and 06, I think I was having a bad time in life in general. Hell... In 06 and 07, I think the same can be said. And now. It's true again. I seem to go through cycles of bad times in life and they appear to be the worse in April. Why is that? Why do my fortunes fuck up in April? Or... Why is that when I start to notice how fucked up they are?

I don't know. I need to do something differently. A lot of stuff is currently out of my hands. I'm out of control in a lot of ways. It seems like whenever I get in control I mess it up which means I'm not setting myself up correctly. There's a switch inside of me that is too easily turned wrong. I repeatedly make the same mistakes. Money, men, education. Every year (from what I'm reading) I mess up.

And right now I'm just so irritable. I'm not able to go anywhere and be alone comfortably. Everywhere I go someone will be there. Except the person I want to be there of course. I don't want to have to explain what's wrong with me but I also don't want to go and make idle conversation. I don't want to have to be somewhere pretending to be ok. I want to be able to cry alone. I want to be able to finish crying without someone asking me if I was and why. I want my own space. I want my own money. I want my own food. I want to be free.

My birthday is Sunday. I didn't even realize it was so soon. Fucking April had me distracted. Sigh... I need to go easier on April. It's me. Not the month haunting me. Right? I just hope none of my kids are born in April.

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